


Kamikaze

by Mother_North



Series: Of Gravity & Opposition [5]
Category: Figure Skating RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: Angst, Drama, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Feelings, Jealousy, Love Triangles, M/M, Multiple Orgasms, Obsession, POV First Person, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Psychology, Smut, yuzuvier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-09 18:31:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12894192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mother_North/pseuds/Mother_North
Summary: Javier’s feelings for Yuzuru are put to trials as he seems to have gotten into a corkscrew loop with Nathan’s jet on the flying horizon. He tries his best not to crash and burn.





	1. The Crash

**Author's Note:**

> Next part of the “Gravity & Opposition” series with timeline somewhere between Skate America and Grand-Prix Final and which is better to be read as a sequel to “Flammes Sombres”. I feel like it is the time to bring some of the Javier’s perspective into the story.  
> Usual RPF disclaimer applies to this work of fiction in full. It is written for entertainment purposes only and is not meant to offend anyone. 
> 
> Hope you’ll enjoy.

**

 _Send me an angel to love_  
I need to feel a little piece of heaven  
Send me an angel to love  
I'm afraid I'll never get to heaven

—  “My Lover’s Box” by “Garbage”

**POV Javier**

_Que eres linda y hechicera_   
_Que eres linda y hechicera  
Como el candor de una rosa_ _*_

These were the unpretentious lines I couldn’t get out of my head the whole morning. They came to me as soon as I opened my eyes and I was singing them under my breath as I was shaving in the bathroom, readying myself to leave. My mood wasn’t bad, to say the least. Your mother called me yesterday’s evening and asked if I could take you to the Toronto Cricket Club for the morning practice — she wasn’t able to do it herself because she was afraid she was starting to feel the first symptoms of the flu. We haven’t seen each other for more than a week, with me having spent several days with my family in Madrid. I haven’t crossed you in the Club even once upon my return, your training sessions still being quite brief and our schedules not coinciding. Doing myself an irreplaceable cup of potent coffee and Effie doing everything she could for me to spill it on my way to the living-room, I was feeling vaguely happy, the prospect of, finally, seeing you in the nearest future making my heartbeat quicken.

The weather outside was total shit: overcast, leaden skies and sleet; cold, damp air seeping through to one’s bones but I was in front of your house in less than forty minutes. I greeted Yumi warmly, wishing her not to fall ill, as I hugged her heartily in spite of her polite protests.  

“Thank you, Javier-san! I am very glad to see you again…Yuzuru is getting ready in his room and he’ll come downstairs any moment now. Do you want some coffee? I can make you a cup! ”

I smiled refusing and telling her that I’ve already had some at my place. Yumi nodded and leant into me, shortening the distance between us and speaking in a hushed tone as if sharing a big secret:

“Can I ask you to do something? You see, Yuzuru’s condition has been bothering me lately but you are his close friend, aren’t you? I hope you may help. Yuzuru has been under enormous pressure this whole season and it’s understandable but more than that, I feel that he is shutting me out, not wanting to share what is troubling him with me anymore. And he seems as if he is on his own wave all of the time, especially after that American’s visit last Monday… ”

My breath hitched.

“What  _American_?” I tried to sound absolutely casual.

“Oh, I thought he had told you! Nathan Chen had come to us unexpectedly to find out about Yuzuru’s well-being as he just happened to be in Toronto. He had even stayed for a night at our house because Yuzuru was kind enough to let him do so and he didn’t have to go to hotel to sleep. Nathan looked really concerned and he is a very pleasant fellow. ”

“ _Really concerned_ ” she said, “ _stayed for a night_ ” she said. Well then.  

“I think Yuzuru needs to get some new impressions, the change of scenery or I don’t know…Can you arrange it for him, please. Maybe, you two will go somewhere and have a dinner or see a movie or… ”

“Don’t worry, Yumi-san! I can arrange it easily and with great pleasure. I know very well _what exactly he likes the best._ ”

Your mother beamed at me without a second thought and squeezed my hand with gratitude. I saw you coming downstairs wearing a black sintepon jacket, track pants and a pair of Nike snickers. You mouthed “hi” and waved your hand at me cutely. With my smile turning into a grin, I waved to you in return.

After we got ourselves into a car, you fastened your belt and looked at me a bit wonderingly as I was not hurrying to start the engine. I was studying your face openly before cupping it with my hands and kissing you quite demandingly, my tongue seeking entrance without any initial prelude. You tasted of chocolate faintly and your undreamt-of sweetness pierced me to the core. You jostled me away in a couple of minutes, smiling shyly.

“We should go or we’ll be late, Javi.”

My fingers were clenching the steering wheel tensely as I was waiting for you to tell me something — in fact, _anything_ about him visiting you. But it looked like you didn’t intend to, your earphones in your ears and your gaze on the road, detached and withdrawn. My previously great mood had dispelled without a trace. 

When we had driven up to the Toronto Cricket Club, I grabbed your hand before you could get out of the car, making your eyes meet mine sternly. I was looking into their impenetrable depths for a clue: a momentarily regret or an ounce of repentance or guilt. But there I saw none.

“What’s wrong with you, Javi? You do strange things today.”

“How in hell, taking your hand or kissing you has become strange? Tell me, Yuzu.”  

You rolled your eyes, letting an exasperated sigh leave your lips.

“Don’t play fool with me, Javi. You know what I mean. It’s…it’s _in your eyes_.”

 I smirked.

“ _I don’t like being a fool_ , Yuzu. I hate it, in fact, and you better not try making one out of me. Never, you hear me? ”

Your eyes didn’t lose their unreadable expression but I thought I had seen a glimpse of hurt in them. You yanked your hand out of mine harshly and closed the car door with a loud bang.

Our common practice session with Brian and Tracy was a bit better than abysmal. I tried to stay focused and not let my thoughts travel to dangerous regions but you were a total and unconquerable distraction, as I was looking at what you were doing constantly instead of concentrating fully on my own skating routine. Brian and Tracy were exchanging pointed stares silently. You looked irritated and out of tune with your own body which didn’t want to cooperate with you like it used to. Heck, even a triple salchow seemed to cause difficulties. Sweat was pouring from you because of exertion and I saw you starting to heave visibly by the middle of your free skate choreographic routine. The ice was practically sparkling with heavy tension and the atmosphere at the rink was sunless and oppressive.

Already well past the half of the training time and being extremely angry at myself, I threw a pitch perfect quad salchow – triple toe combination out of nowhere, as Brian and Tracy were applauding me vigorously. I caught your reflection staring at me in one of the wall mirrors. You were clapping politely but your lips were a straight, thin line. Maybe, you thought that I did that expressly, right into your face — to challenge you in a way, to make you dare trying to outdo me. Those were not my intentions at all and I didn’t mean provoking your super-competitive nature by any means. I saw how you bit your lower lip stubbornly and launched yourself into an angry triple axel straight out of a spread-eagle. The attempt looked desperate and doomed, the axis being way off and I heard Brian swearing loudly as you fell onto the cold surface of the ice hard, your hip taking the prime impact of the fall. It looked painful and I cringed, rushing to your side immediately. You were lying on your back, gasping for air and I outstretched my hand to help you get up. But you didn’t accept my help and got up by your own, the corners of your mouth being pinched. I saw you wincing momentarily before turning away from me. I felt my blood starting to sizzle slowly but surely.

Brian crossed his hands, gesturing that our practice session had come to an end. You took off your black gloves with your teeth vexingly and after having shaken Brian’s and Tracy’s hands, rushed to the locker room. I saw Brian’s concerned expression and I understood how he felt exactly — wanting to get to you through your well-guarded inner barriers and not being able to do so, wanting to find a way to make you be outspoken and frank but getting lost in your opacity in the process. You were far from being easy to be dealt with, for sure.

Closing the door of the empty changing room behind, I saw your black training under armour scattered on the bench and across the floor. It was very unlike you, to tell the truth, but it looked like your pedantic nature had given way to some darker emotions of chaotic distress. The sound of running water signified you were taking a shower and my gaze stumbled into your unzipped backpack. I told myself not to do it, feeling that it was not the best way to kill away my gnawing suspicions and inceptive distrust but I just couldn’t fight myself. I fished your iphone out of the inner compartment and unlocked the screen. It was a mean and a cowardly move and I wasn’t going to deny it or trying to find any justifications for my actions. There were no entries in your call list and I scanned through the messages quickly.

“ _I flied up fine & I hope you are not regretting anything for I am certainly not ;) Thank you for texting me. Goodnight_.” Sender: Quad Lutz. Time and Date: 23:02, Tuesday the 28th of November.

Why haven’t you deleted this damned sms-message..? It was ridiculous and plainly careless. Did you value it too much for it evoked _some_ pleasant memories? I found myself gasping for air. “ _Quad Lutz_ ” for fuck’s sake? It was hilarious. Why have you never called me “ _Quad Salchow_ ” then? It’s unbelievably unfair of you, Yuzu.

 A nervous laugh escaped me. My fingers were squeezing your mobile phone with such force they hurt. I was on the verge of a hysterical fit, an unhealthy amusement cracking me up, yet why it pained me so much at the same time. I browsed through your photos folder. There was no point in stopping myself now. Nothing compromising at all, except for one _very telling_ selfie, taken in front of a mirror in your bathroom. The main focus of the camera was on your long naked neck and collarbones and there were some vivid traces of fingertips marring your porcelain skin.

 _You lecherous boy_.

My vision began turning red as I shut my eyes tightly. It was a pure miracle I didn’t smash your mobile phone against the wall. My thoughts were running wild inside my head, making my breast heave in a panicked pattern. I tried to pull myself together somehow and think straight but it was totally out of question at that moment. Taking off my skating boots and socks abruptly and not even bothering to undress further I rushed to the shower stalls. I wasn’t even realizing clearly what on earth I was going to do to you.

You turned startled, your eyes widening in dismay as I broke into your shower cabin. Perhaps, the look on my contorted face was really scary, for you didn’t even try to scream — a silent shock fettering you. You liked being strangled, Yuzu, didn’t you..? _Oh, I could arrange just that for you gladly._ Stepping under the hot torrent of water, I dashed onto you, smashing your naked form into the wall forcefully, my hand closing around your throat and my knee going between your parted legs to immobilize you completely with the weight of my whole body. Your arms went to my shoulders in an attempt to make me loosen my grip but it was to no avail.

“What the hell, Javi..? Let go of me! I order you!” Your eyes were burning beneath the wet strands of your black fringe. 

My stare was boring into you, a twisted smile playing on my lips, hot water beating on my head and running down my spine, soaking all of my clothes from head to toe. I didn’t care for a bit. As I turned your head to the side, I studied the tender skin of your neck and it was absolutely perfect, no traces of your trespass were being seen. Maybe, it was all a product of my imagination or a nightmare in which I found myself trapped in? But I knew the answer was— no, there was no chance of me waking up to the blissfully unknowing reality.

I began to suffocate from the whirlwind of multitude emotions tearing me apart: I wanted to strike you, I wanted to kiss you, I wanted to punish you, I wanted to fall to my knees and beg you not to reject me, I wanted to repel you and I wanted to claim you just as badly…It was a defining moment when I had to make a decision and I just was not capable of one.  As I was looking deep into your obscure eyes, I felt myself drowning and I didn’t want to be saved.

My mouth crushed into yours with a bruising might, tongue forcing its way into your throat as I felt you shiver in my arms helplessly. Our kiss was fierce and devoid of any semblance of tenderness. I was drunk on my frustration and on your intoxicating taste, my heart beating erratically in my ears. A crazy thought that I could still detect _his_ strange flavour tarnishing _your_ lips somehow had made me ravish your mouth frantically, withdrawing only when it was physically impossible to continue because of the lack of oxygen.

We both were panting hard. My vision clouded by the steamy, moist air. You opened your mouth to speak but I put my trembling finger to your swollen lips. I couldn’t bring myself to hear your voice now and I didn’t trust myself of not making things I would regret bitterly later.

“Shhh…Please, don’t, Yuzu. Not now. We’ll go to my place together. You get yourself dressed, take your stuff, call your mother and tell her that you won’t return till tomorrow afternoon, after the practice, and I’ll be waiting for you in the car. Ok? You understand?”

I brought our wet foreheads together in a brotherly fashion, my sole fingertip pressing to your pulse point. Something in my gaze had unsettled you greatly— maybe it was the raw bitterness or the gashing despair in the pits of my eyes. You spoke barely audibly:

“But…But what is with your clothes and I need to do homework and I think that…”

The intensity of my stare had made you fall silent. I returned to the locker room, my drenched clothes dripping water. I felt kind of empty, all my emotions watered-down somehow, the pain of betrayal being palliated, lying heavily at the very bottom of my heart. After having taken my wet clothes off and having dried myself with a towel energetically, I opened Javier Raya’s locker and took his change of clothing. In which way I was supposed to explain such a strange act to him on the next day was the last of concerns on my mind at that particular moment.

After the longest fifteen minutes of my life, you got into a car and we drove off without uttering a single word into the swiftly thickening evening dusk. My head felt devoid of thoughts in a mysterious way and as I was driving us fast through the city, I felt kind of comfortably numb.

It seemed you understood that I didn’t want to talk at all thereat and that it was pretty obvious that something important had occurred. You looked noticeably nervous with your teeth worrying your lower lip and your fingers fidgeting with the zipper of your backpack anxiously.

In less than an hour our car ride would come to an end and I knew perfectly well that, after the door of my apartment would be closed safely behind us, there would be no turning back. Would there be a new starting point after the cruelest of crashes..? My will to find out was scarily steadfast.

**

* _Que_ _e_ _res linda y hechicera_

_Que eres linda y hechicera_

_Como el candor de una rosa_ (esp.)

—

_That you're pretty and bewitching_

_That you're pretty and bewitching_

_Like the candor of a rose_      (eng.)  — lines from Malagueña Salerosa (La Malagueña), a famous Mexican folk song.


	2. The Rush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a crash there is always a rush to soar once again, no matter of the price needed to be paid. Javier is desperate and Yuzuru simply feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit rating applies to this chapter. Nothing much to be added, except, that it was rather emotionally draining to write.

**

_You burn and burn to get under my skin_  
You've gone too far now I won't give in  
You crucified me but I'm back in your bed  
_Like Jesus Christ coming back from the dead_

_I nearly died_ _…_

_I can’t stop when it comes to you…_

— “Vow” by “Garbage”

 

 

**POV Javier**

I have let you in first, staring into the still slightly damp hair at the back of your head. The silent click of the door lock and the world outsides ceases to exist for the two of us. I won’t let it intervene, at least not on today’s night. The deafening silence would have been extremely awkward if not for the Effie’s welcoming purring. She is rubbing against your ankles fondly. It is impossibly hard not to love you; a pained smile is twisting my lips and I sigh dolefully.

“Javi, what is going on…?” You take my face into your hands and I shiver perceptibly. I am perfectly aware that I am about to jump straight into an abyss but I don’t mind as long as I know that _you’ll be there with me_.

I feel that the time for words hasn’t come yet. I don’t want to hear your lame excuses or intricately fabricated lies and the prospect of a truthful, sincere answer terrifies me even more, to tell the truth. Furthermore, I don’t want to think for now, not of those _alien_ hands and lips on your body; all I need is to simply _feel_. To feel you and make you feel me just as strongly, make you crave me just as badly as I crave you.

Holding you by the slender wrist of your hand I take you to the bedroom, closing the door in front of Effie’s disappointed muzzle. I want my body to do all the talking first, conveying everything without a single character, letting my innermost instinct guide me unmistakably. I could have chosen to kill you but I would have died too then, instead I am choosing to worship you, like it’s our last time. I chase the crucifying realization that it, in fact, _can be_ our final time away.

My lips are closing over yours with the gentlest urgency, tongue finding its way into your mouth tentatively, as if I am kissing you for the very first time. You respond eagerly and your short nails are digging into the back of my head. It’s absolutely heady but I don’t let you seize an initiative, withdrawing fast to take off your jacket. Your hands are going to the hem of your shirt but I intercept them.

“Let me do _everything_ myself tonight. Please. I need it this way.” There is no pleading in my voice but the quiet yearning in it makes you obey me without arguing, your slim hands hanging limply at your sides.

I am undressing you slowly, my hands caressing every inch of your newly-exposed skin. I push you to the bed mildly and you fall onto your naked back. I kneel in front of the bed and pull your pants along with the underwear off your slender legs without any haste. I take my time to just drink in the impeccable beauty of your unclad body. I see the way your pale cheeks are starting to heat up as you are being scrutinized from tip to toe so unceremoniously.  My dark gaze is devouring your bare glory and I bit my lip forcibly — the degree of my ruinous obsession with you being scary even to myself.

My hands are sliding up your shins and to the tenderest skin of your thighs in one unhurried motion. I plant a kiss at your thin ankle and then at your pointed knee and a shiver of anticipation runs down your body. My wet lips are traveling further up to the smoothness of your inner thighs and I suck at the sensitive spot there, making you moan quietly. I see that you are aroused already as I am covering your flat stomach with open-mouthed kisses avoiding the place where you want my lips the most deliberately. My tongue dips into your bellybutton several times before continuing its moist route to one of your pert nipples to flicker around it. Your fingers are crumpling the bed sheets as another shudder wrecks your flushed body.

“Javi, please…”

My restless tongue licks at your chiseled collarbones and then proceeds to taste the graceful column of your long neck. I suck at the pulse point there, marking your soft skin with a love bite. My hands are finding their way to your nape to make you throw your head back as I claim your cherubic lips demandingly. Our tongues are sliding in a deep, seemingly endless kiss tantalizingly slowly. When I withdraw, you are panting hard and I can see the wanton gleam in your starless eyes. _Perfect_.

With my intense stare never leaving you, I take off my shirt and discard my jeans and underwear to the floor. You are eyeing my muscular body insatiably as I lay down between your legs, my heated body covering yours — naked skin to skin. Your whimper is shamelessly needy and I want to watch you lose control. I suck at your earlobe and then lick the tiny mole beneath your right ear which has always driven me crazy. Your hands are gliding over my back in circular motions and I can feel the coldness of the stony bracelets on your wrists in sharp contrast to my heated skin.

I slide down your body and take the base of your straining cock into my hand, starting to stroke it languidly. Your soft groan goes straight to my groin. I lick the sensitive underside a couple of times and tongue the slit teasingly. Your breathy moans increase in volume substantially, your delicate hands going to the back of my head trying to make me take deeper. But to your total disappointment I move away completely. Your plump lips are pouting and you mewl capriciously:

“Jaavii…” My name sounds so sweet when you are begging. I think to myself that you should be rewarded when the time comes.

I take the bottle of lube out of a nightstand drawer and cover my fingers thoroughly, looking at your heaving chest and then at the way your pinky tongue flickers excitedly over your reddened lips.

“Spread your legs wider for me.” My voice is calm, low and unyielding and you obey me momentarily.

My coated thumb prods at your tight ring of muscles, teasing the tender skin in small circles and pushes. Your hips buck impatiently under the surge of the heavy desire. My middle finger slides in first and it is followed by my index and ring ones shortly. I hear your broken cry as I start to finger you knuckle-deep in a torturously slow pace. You are opening up so beautifully around my penetrating fingers that I feel my cock twitch from the lewd sight. I’ve learnt your body so well by now that I know the secret route to your sweet spot perfectly. As I crook my fingers in a knowing way inside you, your body arches off the bed, taut as a bowstring, and after a couple of moments you start impaling yourself vigorously on my intruding digits. You look so lustful and aroused it takes all of my self-control not to fuck you immediately but I remind myself that it’s too early yet. Your pornographic moans become desperate as I wrap my lips around your already leaking cock. I started sucking masterfully and made the rhythm of my wrist and mouth coincide purposely. You had gone absolutely wild with pleasure under my apt caresses and very soon I felt your cock starting to throb in my mouth. It took several greedy sucks and a skillful twists of my wrist to make you spill into my mouth, your body shuddering blissfully in an acute carnal delight. I swallowed every single drop. I found your breathlessly gasping lips right afterwards to kiss you deeply. I wanted you to taste your own essence on my tongue and you did it eagerly.

I turned your relaxed body to the side and moved to spoon you from behind. My lips were grazing the nape of your neck as I took you in one severely dragged-out motion, making you feel the way I was filling you up inch by inch in full measure. Your sensual and long-drawn-out moan ignited a wildfire inside of me. I wanted it to last for the rest of eternity because it felt so right to be engulfed by your heavenly tightness, I never ever wanted to leave you. Our bodies were made for each other and I aimed to prove just that to you. I didn’t start thrusting instantly, letting you adjust completely to the delightful stretch inside. My thumb was rubbing your tiny nipple as my lips were kissing the back of your neck and shoulder persistently. Your body was melting into mine as you threw your head back to seal our mouths in an intoxicating kiss. I was drinking groans from your parted lips as my hips started their easy rhythm. It was not enough yet at the same time it felt like it was already too much. You were trying to urge me go faster as your hips were pushing backwards to meet my deliberately slow thrusts midway.

“Please, harder…Harder…” You were panting the plea repeatedly and I succumbed at last. I pulled out only to make you lay on your back. I penetrated you once again impossibly deep in one hard thrust, your bent legs around my waist in a tight grip. Sweet cries were pouring from your lips unceasingly as I was fucking you forcefully into the mattress, remembering the needed angle precisely. I alternated powerful thrusts with short rolls of my hips and you lost yourself to achingly potent pleasure without remnant, the tip of my erect cock ramming into your abused prostate mercilessly. I was watching as your beautiful face was contorting in ecstasy intently. You were writhing beneath me violently, melodious sounds of your delight saturating me and intensifying my own, practically unbearable, pleasure to no end. I growled lustily, entwining our fingers in a bonding gesture.  

“I can’t…I can’t…No more…argh… _Javi, Javi, Javi_ …”, a voluptuous litany of _my name_ spilling itself from your panting lips thrilled me keenly. You started sobbing uncontrollably, needing a release badly, and I grabbed your knees to place them on my sweaty shoulders to begin thrusting into you like hell. Your body convulsed frantically as you almost lost consciousness from the intensity of your devastatingly powerful orgasm. I kept fucking you non-stop through the aftershocks of your climax, looking at your parted lips and drowning in your obscenely loud howls. I thought you nearly died, being washed away by the tsunami of my unrestrained passion. I followed you before long.

A thousand suns exploded behind my squeezed eyelids as I finally found my absolution buried heavenly inside you.

I was whispering adulations into your ear as I felt your arms wrapping themselves weakly around my neck. You started covering my face with kisses: your soft lips touching my dewy forehead and temples, a bridge of my nose and my chin, my closed eyelids and manly cheekbones… As if you were apologizing for something, wanting to deserve my forgiveness or soothing me in a subtly comforting way. I felt a heartbreaking, bittersweet pull to take you in my arms and cuddle you till the end of days. I had loved before in my life but it was not the same with you, my Yuzu. _You were always unique, you were always different._ Basking in the warmth of your ideal body, I realized that I would never deprive myself of your burning light with my own hands. It seemed totally incomprehensible to live in the darkness and I was ready to love you “ _despite_ ” instead of “ _for_ ”.    

I felt a lump form at the back of my throat as I was overflowed with emotions. I could never give up on you, could never throw you out of my life and as you were sleeping next to me — exhausted and curled up at my side like a defenseless little kitten, I kept on murmuring “te amo”  into your damp hair, the Spanish phrase being your lullaby and my prayer.

You woke me up with the first rays of the dawn, asking me to take you again and we made love passionately with you riding me back to front, my hands — an incessant caress on the silky skin of your shoulder blades and hips. You fluttered like an exquisite bird, caged helplessly in my praising arms and then you _flew_ up high and I flew up _with you_. Wild birds die without freedom and I knew you would too…     

I didn’t reproach you nor hurt you with my ill-considered and angry words which I knew I would have regretted greatly. I just did the only thing that seemed right to me: I made you feel truly loved, my unbridled fondness filling you to the brim.

On that unforgettable night we shared I bared my madly enamored heart in front of you to deal with it as you will. I had granted _you_ the right to decide, my pride surrendering to my sentiments. I could be patient and I was ready to wait if that was what you needed.

I was feeling a bit like a doomed kamikaze going into a cockscrew but I was the happiest one in human history for sure…

As I was looking at your peacefully sleeping face with your skin glowing beautifully in the soft morning sunlight, I felt as alive as ever.

**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of your feedback is appreciated. Please, share your thoughts and feelings if you feel like it. Thank you.


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